Teenagers and Feelings

The task of normal adolescence is to find an identity that fits who they are and who they want to be. The process is often one of trying different routes, different behaviors - as much as for seeing who they do NOT want to be as to see who they do want to be. There are few, if any, teens that do not make wrong decisions when navigating the currents of their developmental status. Learning to handle the stresses of life, the powerful feelings that are generated from puberty onward into adulthood, and the pressures of social and family life are things that must be juggled by all teenagers. Sometimes they find very healthy and effective strategies for dealing with these things. Sometimes in their search for identity, they turn to strategies that are unhealthy. Most of our students are in search of those healthy strategies and most have success. There are complex reasons why some teens make it to college and beyond virtually or barely unscathed by risky behavior and others do not. No blame can be placed, no fingers pointed. Harmful or risky behavior is simply one of the ways adolescent coping mechanisms evolve.

Types of Strategies:

Playing sports, an active social life, talking with friends and adults about how they are feeling, an emphasis at home on balance between academic success and leisure time, family dinners, and parent modeling of a willingness to acknowledge all kinds of feelings with which they themselves deal are some examples of successful strategies for teens. Some of the acting out behaviors that can be signs of developing maladaptive behaviors are the abuse of drugs and/or alcohol, inappropriate sexual behavior, the emergence of disordered eating, self-harm in the form of cutting or burning, exhibiting signs of depression and/or suicidal ideation. All of these require professional attention and the sooner the better.

When a Teen is Worried about a Friend:

Teenagers are very plugged into the lives of their peers and are usually the first source of information if one of their friends is in trouble. One of the most difficult decisions teenagers have to make is how to help a friend who is exhibiting behavior that is maladaptive - like those listed above. They are pulled in two main directions - to do the right thing and get help from an adult to protect their friend from real harm, or to keep quiet and be pulled into the unhealthy dynamic of the friend in need. Many fear that they will lose a friend if they involve parents or the school. Indeed, their troubled friend may tell them that that will happen if they go for help. Most teens eventually understand that their friend's issue is too big a responsibility for them to handle. If their friend won't go to an adult, they do. Parents can help teens to make the best decision.

Successful Parent Strategies:

If you are a parent reading this and you worry that your daughter has a friend in trouble or that she, herself, may be in trouble, the main rule of thumb is for you to talk about it with her - repeatedly if necessary. In the words of a famous analyst, talking with your teen is done best when you "Strike while the iron is cold." Use movies, newspaper articles, news items, books, etc. to ask your daughter what she thinks of topics brought up, if her peers are involved in such behavior, etc. Below are some key ways to support your teenage daughter:

  1. STRESS AND ENFORCE YOUR OWN FAMILY'S VALUES
  2. DON'T DO ALL THE TALKING - LISTEN AS WELL
  3. ASK QUESTIONS
  4. BE INVOLVED
  5. INTERVENE if necessary.

 

Last updated 03.14.07

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